My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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