not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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