as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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