I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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