i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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