I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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