If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
