dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
