he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
