I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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