Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
