she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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