I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
