oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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