Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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