textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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