He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
