Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
