hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize