He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
