my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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