I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
