The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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