At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
