What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
