Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
