i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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