Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
