Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
