If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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