Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
