Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
