I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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