so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
