So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
