you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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