You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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