so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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