There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she told me i tasted like america
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
