ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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