Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
