so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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