I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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