I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
