I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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