Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
