Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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