I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
