My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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