we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I licked your asshole in confidence.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
