Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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