Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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