You can't special order awesome
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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