Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
