The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So many bounce houses so little time
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
PANTIES FOUND
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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