There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
