my phone needs a breathalizer
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
