official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
