Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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