Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
This house was built for laser tag.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
