I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
