My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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